middle finger
I thought life would get better. It does in some ways but gets suckier in some other ways too. I just have too many issues with the people around me. I shant elaborate much on it. But sometimes i really think nothing is ever enough for them. I can never open up to them as much as i do to others. I can never make them understand for who i am and what i love to do. If they feel im burdening them, then they shouldnt think that way because i tried, i tried to mend my ways but all you see is the other side of me. I feel unappreciated. Ive got no one else to turn to. I hate speaking about these issues with people around me except with love. But now love has always been busy with his commitment. Due to that, i can no longer share my rants with him.
And because of that, i get paranoid, agitated and frustrated. I hate myself for being mad at love because of these little things. I hate it at the fact that i get mad at him because i envy seeing others together and i dont get to do it. I hate the fact that i yell and throw tantrums at him despite missing him so much because i felt neglected, i felt empty because of the rate of communication that we're having right now and the fact that we can hardly meet up because of our schedule.
I hate myself on how i treated him once he's back. Because i know all these while ive been waiting patiently for him to be back but when he's back i dint show the emotions that ive been keeping from him. What am i trying to prove him? Idk myself either.
I hate it that i always such a disappointment to the ones who cared much about me. i hate the fact that im not given the freedom that i yearn for and due to that i always rebel. i can never make them understand me and even if i tried, it always seemed so hard for me. fuck it. fuck big time.
Having a career means handling more money. And with that, people has higher expectation of me. People always have been telling me what to do with it, who to give to etc. Stop it please people. Give me a break. Ive worked fucking hard to earn it and you people tell me what to do with it. Dont you think you should just shut up and learn to respect and appreciate people's hardwork?
all of this is so fucked up.
but on a lighter note.
it was my first day alone today and it went smoothly alhamdulillah. Excluding the part where i forgotten to bring my keys the day before and got myself worried. Thus, having difficulties sleeping at night thinking about it. Thankyou god, its still there the day after. Thankyou god for giving me someone who cared about me, juli. She's been helping me alot, really. She tolerated my selenge-ness during work, my crappy killtheboredom activities and had been advising and guiding me alot.
my feelings never changed. but this game, its a test full of endurance and patience.
even so, patience has its limitation.
he's back but it still feels the same. im not lying.
sometimes, i dont feel attached. im sorry.
loves,
saf.
And because of that, i get paranoid, agitated and frustrated. I hate myself for being mad at love because of these little things. I hate it at the fact that i get mad at him because i envy seeing others together and i dont get to do it. I hate the fact that i yell and throw tantrums at him despite missing him so much because i felt neglected, i felt empty because of the rate of communication that we're having right now and the fact that we can hardly meet up because of our schedule.
I hate myself on how i treated him once he's back. Because i know all these while ive been waiting patiently for him to be back but when he's back i dint show the emotions that ive been keeping from him. What am i trying to prove him? Idk myself either.
I hate it that i always such a disappointment to the ones who cared much about me. i hate the fact that im not given the freedom that i yearn for and due to that i always rebel. i can never make them understand me and even if i tried, it always seemed so hard for me. fuck it. fuck big time.
Having a career means handling more money. And with that, people has higher expectation of me. People always have been telling me what to do with it, who to give to etc. Stop it please people. Give me a break. Ive worked fucking hard to earn it and you people tell me what to do with it. Dont you think you should just shut up and learn to respect and appreciate people's hardwork?
all of this is so fucked up.
but on a lighter note.
it was my first day alone today and it went smoothly alhamdulillah. Excluding the part where i forgotten to bring my keys the day before and got myself worried. Thus, having difficulties sleeping at night thinking about it. Thankyou god, its still there the day after. Thankyou god for giving me someone who cared about me, juli. She's been helping me alot, really. She tolerated my selenge-ness during work, my crappy killtheboredom activities and had been advising and guiding me alot.
my feelings never changed. but this game, its a test full of endurance and patience.
even so, patience has its limitation.
he's back but it still feels the same. im not lying.
sometimes, i dont feel attached. im sorry.
loves,
saf.
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